So today was a pretty awful day.
To begin with, I didn't have much of a weekend, but you know how that goes. When I wasn't sleeping, I was worrying about work, all the things not done and the things I think I may have to be doing, but am not because I may not know about them and the things I think I need to be learning to do... (Oh yes, I'm a natural-born worrier! How could you tell?)
Had a work thing early Saturday morning, and then passed out in the afternoon. Dinner with family Saturday night, then I was online until some unholy hour of the morning. Or was I? It's all a blur now. I can spend hours online just reading random blogs and scraps of information, or replying to mail or looking for new music or... Yes, it's sad.
Woke mid-arvo Sunday. Had a meeting with my boys at 5:30, planning events for the upcoming school holidays. Then I realized to my shock and horror that I was supposed to be on duty Sunday night. So the plans for an evening in with D, watching the second season of SOAP and eating yummy apple and chicken curry, went straight down the toilet. So yeah, that was pretty crap.
Then I fought with a dear friend.
We kissed and made up after a while, but it was still an emotional strain.
Then I woke late this morning.
(Will it never end?)
I didn't get as much done as I'd have liked to today. Computer problems (laptop kept crashing), customers yelling at me, things tugging at me leftrightcentre... it all adds up. And my tech tools for work are a little messed up. Add the strain of adjusting to a new job with not as much training as I'd like, and the extra load from post-exam-hyper kids, and a colleague being out of the office, and I'm not in a good place. I've jumped into the deep end, and I'm treading hard to stay above water.
I'm not great at dealing with new situations. No, I lie. I like new situations: they force me to grow and to discover both my limits and strengths I never knew I had. But you know, you can enjoy things in some ways and still be really freaked out by them.
I'm still hibernating. Some things are growing, and other things are going in strange (and perhaps not-so-great) directions. It's a strange time to be me - I feel torn between the adult world and the, well, not-adult world. I suspect when I'm 80 (if I should live so long!) I'll still be feeling a little like this, a little "I'm not growing up!" But really, I don't want to see many of my friends at the moment. I don't want to be social. Or rather, I kinda do, but only really selectively. Most people grate on me at the moment. I think what it is is that I don't have the energy or mindspace to deal with them. So I really only want to be with people who are safe or whom I care a lot about. (The kids take a lot out of me, but I care about them. :))
Oh, but then I just talked to a friend, and he made me smile and laugh, and vice versa. :) So that was good. We've something special between us, and I'm afraid to look too closely at it because it's fragile and may fall apart if looked at too closely right now.
So yeah, ups and downs. Still hibernating. When will my winter end? I want spring again. I sense change in the wind, but do I really want change? Or am I afraid of change because it hurts, even when it brings good things? Does a seed hurt when it splits and sprouts a new shoot and roots?
