I've been reading more of other people's blogs lately. Not as much as I read journals when I was, oh, 19? 20? Yes, pre-blogging days. :)
It's mostly task-avoidance, really. I've been so stressed, working on my 4 programming projects and the accompanying documentation. Thank god D's been so helpful. He's my code-fu warrior. :) Not that I'm bad at it, but I'm better at some concepts and in some languages than others. Just the way my brain is wired, maybe?
So. Where was I? Right. I've been reading other people's blogs. It's strange, really. There's the whole vicarious living thing, the voyeurism thing, but that's not it... I think that for me, it is or was some sort of insecurity, or some perverse desire to prove to myself that I had to be doing something more... interesting? challenging? edgy? important? Or maybe all of the above. The difference is that where I used to feel bad and to want to try to be more like someone else, now I don't. Instead, I want to be more
me. So I'm not so edgy. So I don't front my own band. So I don't call what I create 'art'. I don't mind so much anymore. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care at all. I do. How can I not? Something in me wants to be different, if for nothing else then just because I want to be
different. Special.
Today I had a mini-epiphany. It doesn't matter.
I don't want to be bound by the desire to be 'alternative' any more than I want to be bound by the desire to be 'mainstream'. They're all just labels anyway. I want to be label-free. I just want my experiences, my thoughts, my output, my self to be as authentic as possible. If I have to take something from someone, so be it. I'll acknowledge the gift gratefully and gracefully. After all, isn't my self worth a gift? Is my originality and uniqueness so fragile I cannot acknowledge a debt to someone else's contribution? I don't think so.
The people who love me already think I'm special. I think I'm special. When I give my love to someone, when I give them my time or some of my mind space, it makes them happy and reinforces our relationship. When I make stuff for people, they like it and it makes them happy. (Granted, some of my creations are prettier or mean more than others, but everyone produces
some junk. ;)) So does it make a difference if I don't call it 'art'? Does it make a difference that I'm not counterculture enough? I don't think so. At least, it doesn't make such a difference to me anymore. Maybe someday I'll evolve to the point where it doesn't matter at all.
